Whoa its been 5 or 6 days since I wrote on here but im back. what happened to doing this everyday? what happened to ending each work day with a stream of conscience writing sesh? I don’t fucking know man. I just got tired? The last couple days or rather this whole dang week has been filled with doing work for hire comic stuff and I gotta tell ya its really getting to me. Here is where I have to tread carefully, I am always grateful to be asked to draw or contribute to anything. I have been very lucky over the course of 10/11 years to work with nothing but awesomely talented writers. The problem is I also have ideas and I use these opportunities to up my drawing and story telling game by doing stories I would never come up with on my own. The problem though Is that I have my own ideas and a giant thing inside of me that is like “dude you gotta tell your own stories!” I’ve also been lucky enough to do that but not as much as I want to over the years and the older I get the more I realize that time is running out and I need to just stop doing these work for hire gigs and realize I’m good and I can do stories that are just as good (maybe even better) than the stuff thats being thrown my way or the stuff thats out there being made. and thats not ego, its more of like, hey man these guys and gals are coming up with stories and getting them made, you can do it too so stop waiting around till you feel like your ready and just start, when you got into comics you were a writer and artist, then i started wanting to make money off of this and i heard that i should team up with writers and that totally derailed my own personal growth and figuring out the stories i wanted to tell. Last year I made the switch and started writing again and doing my own shit. It has been great but slow. what other thoughts are creeping in to my head? I really want to quit and just give back the money and move on but I CANT. because quitting is for losers. and it starts this horrible crescendo effect where you start quitting everything in life. I am not a quitter but i dont know man this project is just giving me a stomach ache.
It started as me writing and drawing a character for this company, then another guy thats apart of the company got brought in as a co writer and so we’ve been co writing this thing. theres been headaches there because i would’ve loved to use this as portfolio fodder as a writer/artist but now this fucking guy has been involved and I cant be like, “oh yeah i wrote that part and that part, but not that part.”
(also im well aware of how fucking horribly written this blog and it is in know way shape or form an example of how i write, shit maybe i should take this thing down or hide it. but fuck it as for now know one is even reading this fucking thing.)
so its been frustrating. a great page rate and the people are nice to chat with but working together is different ya know. I don’t think I am a cog. well thats not true i don’t mind being a cog as long as its like 50% my idea. I want control! I want to be the one coming up with shit and making it happen. am i nuts? is that weird? is my ego in the way?
I don’t even know. My whole career has been crazy. its taken so many twist and turns I cant believe where Im even at half the time. The one thing I do know is that I am getting better at drawing. that much is true. everything else is a fucking shit show. self induced unfortunately but not in a self pitty way. comics and illustration is one of those paths were you set your own rules and you make your own way. you just gotta keep figuring shit out and so thats what i gotta do.
as far as shit thats on my plate this week?
still need to finish painting this big ass commission,
need to finish penciling a 5 piece commission.
need to finish digitally penciling this work for hire comic.
I need to keep penciling the next couple pages my new comic Nose bleed.
I need to get tickets to heroescon and tell people im taking commissions
also need to finish another commission.
fuck